I'm Not 30, I'm 29 + 1.

Today is my last day in my twenties, and it hurts. I'm going to try to look at this from a 'the glass is half-full' perspective instead. I found a list of things I should do before turning 30. Since I've only got hours left, I'm just going to tick what I've done instead. Here goes.

1. Try an extreme sport. Does jumping out of an airplane count?

2. Date a bad boy. Hmmm... Define "bad boy".

3. Open a retirement account. As boring as it sounds, I've started one.

4. Dye your hair a crazy color. In college, it was red and blue. I also tried being blonde, but for an Asian girl, it just looked wrong.

5. Do a girls-trip. Just because. I went to a hens weekend in Australia and drove around California with 2 crazy girls all in the same year. That was a lot of girl-bonding time.

6. Sing Karaoke. I lived in the land that created karaoke for two years. Enough said.

7. Pay off your credit cards. Debt is scary.

8. Buy something totally frivolous, ridiculously expensive and utterly fabulous. Plane tickets? My iPod?

9. Fall in love. Hmmm... yeah. Next.

10. Crash a party. Crashing parties is my middle name.

11. Travel. I think I got this one throughly covered.

12. Volunteer. I spent 2 years volunteering at the county hospital. Granted, I was 16 at the time.

13. Do something you're totally terrified of. Public speaking. I am now a teacher.

14. Meet a drag queen. I went to Thailand twice. Both times, we played "Find the she-male."

15. Buy yourself an amazing piece of jewelry. I know I haven't done this. I have a habit of losing or breaking expensive things.

16. Love your body. It is still a process that will take my entire lifetime.

17. Learn how to change a tire. I know how to put on snow chains. That's similiar, right?

18. Reconnect with an old friend/family member. Yeah, yeah.

19. Ask for a raise. First, I must stay at a job for longer than a year.

20. Take a dance class. I took hip-hop during my boy band phase and tap dancing in my "I want to annoy everyone around me" period.

21. Schedule a health check-up. I used to do this when I had someone else paying for my heath insurance. That was 5 years ago. A lot has happened since then.

22. Understand your taxes, 401k etc. I understand that I don't make enough for the government to care. Thank goodness for TurboTax!

23. Apply for your dream job. I did. Didn't get it, but the point is I tried.

24. Do something insanely romantic for someone you love. First, I need to find someone to love.

25. Host a dinner party for your family. I make a good turkey.

26. Master an amazing dish. My brother claims that I make a good brownie cheesecake. I still don't remember this.

27. Swim in the ocean. I prefer pools, but I like sticking my feet in the ocean.

28. Go to dinner and a movie by yourself. Done that. I wait for no one when it comes to Hugh Jackman and Ryan Reynolds.

29. Live alone. It would be nice if I could. My financial funds are a little lacking.

30. Ask a guy out. Did it last night. Drunk texting.

Bring on 30!

Father Knows Best

A sample conversation with my father:

Father: The dryer machine broke down. Your mother is not too happy about it. It will be very expensive to fix.
Me: I don't even have a washing machine. I have to wash everything by hand.
Father: That should be easy. You only have five things to wash a week, right? You have two underwears, a T-shirt, pants, and skirt. Very easy.
Me: [shaking my head in disbelief] Yes, father. I only change my underwear twice a week. I flip it over to get more use out of it. I try to live as simple as possible.

Pensamentos do Mês

Lessons learned this month:

• Sitting in an office all day is not for me.
• It's always good to have a side business.
  
• Matt Bellamy is a freaking musical genius!
  
• No matter how hard I tried, at the end of the day, I'm still Asian and we're not meant to consume alcohol.
• The evil "puta" does have a nice side. She actually saved me a piece of cake that she had made while I was gone for the weekend. It's been more than a week since I consumed it, so she didn't put any rat poison in it.
• 12 hour bus rides are painful. Plan ahead and buy a plane ticket.
  
• My bad Portuguese entertains people.
  
• My best friend order:
  
  1. My Portuguese-English dictionary I've named Oxford
     
  2. My new dentist, Dr. Albino
  
  

The Laws of the Land

I currently live with two older ladies. One is 90 years old. She owns the apartment and is a nice lady who offers me food, but can't hear very well and therefore, doesn't know much of what is going on around her. The other is her caregiver, a 65 year old hag who I like to refer to as 'the puta'. (It's not a good word. But there's no other way to describe her.) She pretty much takes care of everything around the house and the following are rules I need to follow:

Rule #1: Upon entering the apartment, you must wash your hands for 5 minutes. She doesn't want to run the risk of getting the swine flu.

Rule #2: You can only brush your hair in the sink. Hair falling out naturally is a sin.

Rule #3: You are not allowed to talk to your roommates for any given reason. Talking makes noises.

Rule #4: No more than one person can sit on a bed at a time. Otherwise, the bed frame will break.

Rule #5: Only two people can be in a room at one time. There is a possibility that things can be broken.

Rule #6: Once the refrigerator has been opened and closed, you must wait 1 minute before it can be opened again. Count out loud if needed. That way, everything inside will remain cold.

Rule #7: You are not allowed to wear any perfume of any kind. It will overpower her cigarettes.

Rule #8: You can only use the back burners of the stove. If you use the front burners, there is a chance that you can spill something, thus making her have to tell you to clean it.

Rule #9: Nothing can be said during Caminho das Índias, a Brazilian telenovela, but she's allowed to make all the commentary she wants.

Rule #10: All doors must have cloth to muffle the slamming. If the door makes a sound, get ready for a mouthful of 'palavras feias' (ugly words).

As you can see, it's a lovely place to live. (Sarcasm...) That on top of the fact that she said she hates having an estrangeiro (a foreigner... basically me) living in the house. On the bright side, at least I'm learning a lot more Portuguese.

The Latest...

(Names have been changed to protect the innocent, but you'll get the general idea.)Who's more obsessed: me or him?

A New Day, A New City

Currently in: São Paulo, Brasil

Ok, I did bring this upon myself. When I first arrived in Brasil 5 months ago, I ended up in tiny place called Arujá, a tiny suburb made up mainly of upper middle-class families and their gated communities . There are no shopping malls here and everything is closed by 8pm. I quickly requested a transfer and every day, I wished to be anywhere else.

Now, let's fast forward to today. I'm now living in the third largest city in the world, the metropolis of South America. Things are always happening and people are everywhere. Nevertheless, I'm longing to go back to the countryside. Go figure, right?

Last Saturday, I moved into my room. I walked in to find my roommate, Melisa, to still be sleeping at 2pm. My friend who helped me moved said my new home resembled what he would have imagined a "whore house" to be. Then he took me to see his friends who lived in this massive flat with a magnificent view of the city. I subtly asked if they had a spare room. I returned my room at 10pm. Melisa stared at me the entire time I was unpacking.

On Sunday, I woke up at 11am and quickly left the room with Melisa still sleeping. I spent 3 hours trying to find Internet and finally found an Apple store where I pretended to be interested in buying a laptop. I returned to the room at 3pm to find the roomie sleeping. I quickly got some things and met up with some people back in Arujá. I ended up sleeping over at a friend's house.

It took 1.5 hours for me to get back to SP Monday morning, but it was all good. I arrived in my room at 8am to find Melisa asleep. The room smelled like wet towels. I quickly changed and went to training. I told my boss that I was scared of my roommate. He said he had the same feeling too. We quickly checked out 3 other rooms and settled on an apartment one block away. I returned to the "whore house" at 4pm to find Melisa still asleep. As I was packing, she woke up and asked if I was going away. I said yes, and she covered her head with her blanket.

I'm now living with 2 grandmothers and some university students. One of the grandmothers got mad at me because I left my shoes on the floor, but I'm learning. I have to cook for myself and I no longer have a washing machine.

I MISS ARUJÁ! (haha...)

I Teach the Good English! - Part 2

Me: What do you want to eat tonight for your dinner?
Bethania: I would like to eat chicken boobs.

Andre: Teacher, what's the difference between 'crap' and 'shit'?
Me: I can only answer that question after class.

Me: What's the best way to get someone's attention from across the street?
Girdacio: Take off all your clothes and run across the street.

Me: What's the difference between a road and a street?
Rafael: On the road, we can go 18 KPM (30 MPH) and on the street we can go 30 KPM (45 MPH) if there is no police around.

Me: Make a sentence using the word 'blond'.
Gabriel: Today, I saw a hot blond licking ice cream.
Me: Thanks for sharing.

Me: What's the dearest thing you are wearing?
Wellington: My gun is the dearest thing I'm wearing.

Me: Make me a sentence using the word 'mustache'.
Artur: Sometimes, I dream about having a golden mustache because then I can sell it and make a lot of money.

Me: What do you do on weekends?
Rafael: I fly by horse to other planets and above my town where I can see a lot of amazing stuff like bars of soap talking in several languages, a soldier grasshopper, and the yellow grass below the mushroom.

My Monday

06:00 -The alarm goes off for the fifth time. I slowly roll off my top bunk wishing it was Saturday again.

07:30 - All the sentences the students are making are related to either the cold or wanting to go back to bed.

08:10 - We pull up to the school. My ugly school ratdog, Linguiça (Brasilian sausage), is barking at me as usual. Kris, Felipe, and I talk about how to get rid of him again.

09:00 - I am yelling at my computer because the Internet connection keeps flaking on me. I was speaking to my old friend from Japan, Haruka, who I haven't talked to in over 3 years.

13:05 - I am teaching my favorite group at Behr. Rafael keeps asking me if I brought him candy. (Rafael is 26 years old engineer.)

16:00 - My co-worker tells me that Linguiça is dead as I'm going to class.

16:10 - Amalia is talking about the Jonas Brothers again and I pretend to listen. She is 11 years old. I have learned a lot about the Jonas Brothers because of her.

17:00 - Amalia and I find Linguiça in the bushes next to the school. I feel sad.

18:40 - The ex kepts staring.

21:00 - The day is over. I celebrate by eating chocolate.

22:00 - My housemate Kris informs me that one of our friends was arrested last week and is now sitting in prison probably for at least the next 3 years.

23:00 - I attempt to fall asleep but fail. My stomach is making odd noises.

I'm hoping next Monday will be slightly better.

What Is Going On?!

Ok, first it was Ed McMahon. Then it was Farrah Fawcett and Michael Jackson. Now, Billy Mays is gone?! Crazy week.

Anywho... on with the update.

• I've now been in Brasil for more than 4 months now, and yes, I'm still in my tiny village of a town. However, I can see some light at the end of the tunnel and if everything goes according to plan (fingers crossed), I'll be moving to São Paulo by the end of July.
• I experienced my first random act of criminal activity here. I didn't do it though. I was the victim. Someone stole money from my wallet from my locked room. I would like to think that all people are good in some way, but I guess that's not always the case.
  
• Can you picture me representing the U.S.? Neither can I. But, I did take a test to work for the U.S. Consulate a few weeks ago in my attempts to get a job that pays. At least now I know what to study for. I'll be cramming again in October. Yay...
  
• Winter in June. Weird concept. I wish someone told me it gets cold here. I go to bed every night wearing 2-3 sweaters and sleep with 4 blankets. Southern hemisphere... go figure.
  
• Lesson learned: Don't date a Brasilian, even if possibly you're using him to learn Portuguese more than anything else. Just don't do it. The end.
  

How to Know When Someone Is Just Trying a Little Too Hard

Please interpret this message:

I am hovel of wolf waiting the danger. The sky shows me possibilities just I don't want to see. I am underground. I enquire my soul. The answer is coming from my spirit.

So, how the heck would you respond to this?