The Laws of the Land

I currently live with two older ladies. One is 90 years old. She owns the apartment and is a nice lady who offers me food, but can't hear very well and therefore, doesn't know much of what is going on around her. The other is her caregiver, a 65 year old hag who I like to refer to as 'the puta'. (It's not a good word. But there's no other way to describe her.) She pretty much takes care of everything around the house and the following are rules I need to follow:

Rule #1: Upon entering the apartment, you must wash your hands for 5 minutes. She doesn't want to run the risk of getting the swine flu.

Rule #2: You can only brush your hair in the sink. Hair falling out naturally is a sin.

Rule #3: You are not allowed to talk to your roommates for any given reason. Talking makes noises.

Rule #4: No more than one person can sit on a bed at a time. Otherwise, the bed frame will break.

Rule #5: Only two people can be in a room at one time. There is a possibility that things can be broken.

Rule #6: Once the refrigerator has been opened and closed, you must wait 1 minute before it can be opened again. Count out loud if needed. That way, everything inside will remain cold.

Rule #7: You are not allowed to wear any perfume of any kind. It will overpower her cigarettes.

Rule #8: You can only use the back burners of the stove. If you use the front burners, there is a chance that you can spill something, thus making her have to tell you to clean it.

Rule #9: Nothing can be said during Caminho das Índias, a Brazilian telenovela, but she's allowed to make all the commentary she wants.

Rule #10: All doors must have cloth to muffle the slamming. If the door makes a sound, get ready for a mouthful of 'palavras feias' (ugly words).

As you can see, it's a lovely place to live. (Sarcasm...) That on top of the fact that she said she hates having an estrangeiro (a foreigner... basically me) living in the house. On the bright side, at least I'm learning a lot more Portuguese.

The Latest...

(Names have been changed to protect the innocent, but you'll get the general idea.)Who's more obsessed: me or him?